Demon Trucks
by C-Wolfeh
Summary: Tallahassee, Columbus, and the girls had absolutely no luck when it came to the vehicles they tried to use. Crack warning! Enjoy!
1. Always follow Rule 4

**Title:** Demon Trucks  
**Prompt:** N/A  
**Author:** CWolfeh  
**Rating:** PG  
**Series:** Zombieland and Transformers (2k7/2k9)  
**Characters:** Tallahassee, Wichita, Columbus, Little Rock, Ironhide  
**Warnings:** CRACK. BD  
**Summary:** They had absolutely NO luck with vehicles.  
**Author's Notes:**  
Um..yeah..I don't even know. xD; You can blame Cloud for this, completely and totally. Hope you enjoy the cracktasticness! Reviews are always fantastic but not completely necessary. C:

* * *

"Goddamn piece a junk!"

There was a hollow sounding 'Thunk!' as the enraged man in a cowboy hat aimed another kick at the wheel-well of his formerly trustworthy Hummer, more curses following as he proceeded the slam a baseball bat against the hood a few thousand times. Tallahassee was relentless in his attack against the vehicle, pissed off beyond belief that the thing had finally given out on them.

"He does realize we can just find another car right?" Wichita asked as she watched the display, arms crossed over her chest as she tapped her foot against the pavement. Behind her, Little Rock and Columbus were perched on their luggage, both holding guns as they kept any eye out for any unwanted guests.

"Eventually he'll remember that, but it's honestly for the best that he get it out now," Columbus said with a slight shrug, glancing over just as Tallahassee plucked a pick-axe from his pile of weaponry and hopped up onto the hood, aiming for the roof this time. "I'd rather it be the car getting the anger than us."

"Agreed," Little Rock added then sighed. "He better stop soon though."

As if on cue, with one last hack at the Hummer's roof, the wanna-be cowboy left the weapon where it was and hopped down. He took a moment to dust off his jacket and straighten his hat, lip still curled in a cross between a frown and a pout as, with clenched fists, he made his way over to his traveler companions.

"Better?"

"Much. Let's git goin'," he muttered, making a grab for his bag before stalking off down the road. Little Rock, Witchita, and Columbus all exchanged glances before moving to gather up the rest of their gear, including the weapons Tallahassee had been assaulting their former ride with. It took a few minutes to get everything but soon they were on Tallahassee's trail, striking up a conversation to pass the time. Eventually they got the older man involved as well and from there his anger melted away as the discussion topic changed to childhood cartoons and the like. Little Rock was in the dark on most of the cartoons mentioned, asking questions every chance she got about what they were about, how old they were, and things of that 'instantly inducing annoyance in Tallahassee' nature. Several times the older man ranted on about how he couldn't believe how uncultured she was, to which Wichita and Columbus had to remind him of her age.

"Doesn't matter! How can she not know 'bout some of the greatest--" He trailed off, steps slowing at the same time, a look crossing his face that Columbus instantly recognized.

Tallahassee had just fallen in love.

"Well now, I think that'll do just fine!" A dangerous grin appeared as Tallahassee hefted his bag higher onto his shoulder and cut down a side street.

The object of his sudden affection? A black Chevy Topkick.

"Hot damn this is a fine car!" he exclaimed as he reached it, Columbus and the others arriving not long after as they cut through some bushes to reach where their other 'family' member was.

"Not bad actually. Looks like it can handle a lot," Wichita observed, running her hand over the grill as she moved around to the driver's side. "Dibs on first drive."

"Don't make me hurt ya' girl."

"Both of you can sit back and watch. I'll drive it first!" Little Rock said with a grin as she pulled the driver's door up and climbed up inside. For a truck it had a decent amount of cab space and they had plenty of room in the back to store stuff meaning it was definitely going to be easier to hold onto supplies and weapons. Eventually ending the fight for who would drive the beast first, Tallahassee settled into the driver's seat, fingers curling around the leather-encased steering wheel as a happy noise escaped him, a noise akin to that of a kid in a candy store.

"Let's git this show back on the road folks!"

* * *

It had been...how long had it been? All he could remember was a lot of fighting, humans getting scared out of their minds, others _eating_ each other...

Basically it had all gone to the pit—or hell, however one wanted to look at it.

Systems slowly came back online as the new rush of power he was getting gave him something of a jumpstart, waking up the parts of him that had shut down after one of the bomb drops. It took him a second to get his bearings back since everything was still hazy, but eventually his processor got a grasp on things. The first thing that he realized was that he was moving.

How in the world was he moving?

Ironhide's engine rumbled as he activated his scanners, honing in on the four signals he was picking up from inside his cab. Humans were driving him? Wonderful. Just wonderful. He gets knocked into stasis for how long and wakes up to this mess! And it wasn't even someone he was familiar with!

Oh no, he wasn't having any of this.

* * *

"Whoa!" Tallahassee exclaimed as the wheel in his hands suddenly lurched, his grip on it breaking as the car veered hard to the right. Wichita, who was in the passenger seat, hit the window the managed to brace herself while Little Rock and Columbus were thrown together in the back seat.

"What are you doing you psycho?!" Wichita snapped, blowing her bangs out of her face.

"I didn't do it, so just chill—" He couldn't finish as the car veered back to the left, all four crying out as they were thrown about.

_Rule Four: Buckle your seatbelt. Failure._

"See you should have let me drive!" Little Rock cried out as she scrambled to get her seatbelt on, only to get knocked into Columbus again. "Stop it already T--"

"All of ya' need to stop bein' so slaggin' loud!" a voice suddenly cut in and all four of the cab occupants froze, glancing at one another out of the corner of their eyes.

"Who was that?" Wichita murmured, glancing at Tallahassee who looked freaked out of his mind to her sister and boyfriend in the back seat. "Did you guys do that?"

"Not me."

"Nope."

"Nu uh," Tallahassee stammered a bit, slowly lifting his shotgun from where it had been resting beside him, eyes locked on the radio.

"Tallahasse, what are you doing?" Columbus asked as he saw the other take aim, eyes wide.

"I heard it talk. It was the truck! And I ain't gonna let some possessed vehicle do me i--"

"Oh for the love ah' Primus." The Topkick suddenly jerked to a halt, tires squealing as the whole truck lurched forward a bit, Tallahassee losing hold of his gun as it clattered up onto the dashboard. Wichita let out a scream as the door she was leaning against for support swung up, the young woman toppling to the ground soon followed by Columbus and Little Rock, Tallahassee getting thrown out of the other side with a undignified shriek. "Didn't ya' ever learn not to take what wasn't yours? Slaggin' humans! Find another ride!"

The Topkick's engine revved loudly before it lurched, gears shifting as it took off down the road, leaving the stunned humans to stare after it. Silence fell over them for a long moment, all of them just staring down the roadway before finally Little Rock broke the silence.

"..That just happened right?"

"Yeah."

"Uh huh."

"Pretty sure, though I didn't think stuff like that was possible," Columbus muttered, trying to remember if at any time he had ingested drugs of some sort during their travels. Wichita was the first to climb to her feet, tossing her hair over her shoulder before offering her boyfriend a hand.

"How about..we just pretend it didn't happen okay?"

"Sounds good to me," Columbus said with a hurried nod, getting to his feet then moving to grab his bag as Little Rock got up. Tallahassee was the only one that didn't move, the man still staring down the road as a frustrated quiver overcame him. The trio of younger survivors glanced at one another before back to their elder as he finally moved, tugging the brim of his hat down a bit before getting up.

"Someone else gets to pick the next one. I ain't choosing no more," he declared, lifting his bag up. "Goddamn demon trucks." Once more he started walking, leaving the others to follow as their took up their zombie watch.

"Ya' know..I think there was a cartoon like that back in the day..."


	2. Of Twinkies and Army Zombies

**Title:** Of Twinkies and Army Zombies  
**Prompt:** N/A  
**Author:** CWolfeh  
**Rating:** PG  
**Series:** Zombieland and Transformers (2k7/2k9)  
**Characters:** Tallahassee, Wichita, Columbus, Little Rock, Ironhide, Will Lennox  
**Warnings:** CRACK. BD  
**Summary:** This was going to turn into another Twinkie dilema, Columbus just knew it.  
**Author's Notes:**  
Because you all asked for it..the sequel to "Demon Trucks"! =D This is also for this month's challenge over at Flesh_And_Steel LJ because it's Zombies, and who am I to resist that?

Enjoy!

* * *

Ironhide had dealt with a lot of things in his time. Countless battles with the Decepticons, adapting to new worlds, meeting new creatures and beings that he had never encountered before, and loads of experiences that most would never be able to wrap their processors around.

But this..this definitely 'took the cake', as Lennox had always said.

"Disgustin' lil' things," he grumbled, knocking away one of the deranged zombie creatures as it tried to bite his leg. He made to stand as more of the diseased humans began to come out of the woodwork, the weapon's master having been trying to get a handle on his current situation since he had, apparently, been out of it for quite some time.

So much for that idea though.

Putting some distance between himself and the zombies, which wasn't that hard to do at all, Ironhide tried for what seemed like the hundredth time to contact someone. None of the other Autobots were answering and the N.E.S.T. frequencies were all quiet. He would never admit it out loud, but he was worried. His comrades—his friends—were somewhere out there and he had no way of getting a hold of them at current, and the only humans he had run into that weren't trying (and failing) to eat him were those ones that had hijacked him for a ride.

Part of him felt bad for kicking them out. _Almost_.

[Ironhide to Prime. Are ya' there? Is anybody there?] 

* * *

  
"I'm tired."

"Quit yer whinin'."

"I'm not whining. I'm just making a statement," Little Rock argued, glaring at Tallahassee's back as they continued the long trek down the road. Since their run in with the 'Demon Truck', their fearless leader had proclaimed that they weren't picking another car and were going to walk. Needless to say, it wasn't one of his best plans ever considering the next town was still another three miles out.

"With you, it's all the same. So just shut yer trap and let's call it good."

"We could talk about--" Columbus ducked behind Wichita as Tallahassee rounded on him, waving his shotgun threateningly.

"That means you too, got it?" he snapped, lowering his weapon as the fearful young man nodded hurriedly. Wichita rolled her eyes and continued walking, dragging her boyfriend along with her as the gun-toting cowboy took up the rear this time.

* * *

"No," Ironhide muttered as he finally found some sign of his friends, the Autobot slowing his approach as he caught sight of a familiar military CROW. He snapped out of his daze and easily made his way over to it, removing a few zombies from his path before reaching for and turning the CROW upright. "Will?" was the first word that escaped him as he did a scan of the vehicle and found nothing. A string of Cybertronian curses escaped him as he sank down to sit before the vehicle, anger and sadness taking hold. "We shouldn't have let ya' come."

* * *

After what seemed like forever, the four man zombie hunting crew finally found themselves within the city they had been headed for and thankfully so.

"Food!" Little Rock cheered as she dragged her sister over towards an abandoned grocery store.

"Any zombie that gets in her way is going to learn the hard way not to get in between a girl and food," Columbus murmured with a grin as he and Tallahassee trailed behind them, keeping an eye out for any unwelcome visitors. The cowboy snorted, shotgun slung over his shoulder as he strolled along beside the younger man.

"Been awhile since I had a Twinkie. I'm hopin' they have some," he mused with a dreamy look and Columbus couldn't help the fear he felt.

He hoped to God they had Twinkies in that store.

* * *

Like usual, zombies had started to come out of the woodwork after a few minutes of peace and quiet, but Ironhide didn't pay them any attention. They couldn't hurt them so he'd just let them break their teeth on his legs for awhile. He had other things weighing his processor down anyway. The Autobot was unable to help it as horrible thoughts occurred to him, Ironhide wondering if the N.E.S.T. team had succumb to the disease or worse, a zombie attack. His optics flickered as his frame shuddered, the weapon specialist looking down as a zombie attempted to climb up onto his knee joint and froze.

He recognized that uniform.

Without a second thought Ironhide scooped the zombie up, optics sweeping over him and, despite the sadness he felt that an operative had been turned, it wasn't one he knew personally. The zombie thrashed about as the weapon specialist held him, but the robot didn't care, taking a moment to actually look around now. There were at least seven other N.E.S.T. operatives amongst the zombies attempting to consume him, a few familiar but not so familiar that his spark ached too badly.

"Here's hopin'," he muttered as he lurched forward and stood, replacing the zombie on the ground with great care before transforming and taking off down the road with renewed hope.

* * *

While the smell inside the store was a bit disturbing, most of the canned goods and boxed goods were still in decent shape which meant--

"Snack foods, snack foods. Oh where are ya' my delicious cream filled friends!" Tallahassee practically sang as he made for one of the aisles, leaving the three younger hunters to find their own goodies. Little Rock already had a bag of pretzels that she was munching on while Wichita and Columbus shared a box of gushers.

"I'll bet a bag of Cheetos that he doesn't find them."

"Let's hope he does. I'd rather not have another Twinkie withdraw episode," Columbus said with a shudder which made both girls laugh. Their amusement was ruined as a gunshot rang out through the store and immediately their snacks were forgotten as the trio rushed for the aisle, weapons drawn.

"Tallahassee are you--"

Rounding the corner, the trio found came upon an odd scene as Tallahassee was dropped to the floor by a man in military garb, his knee pressed into the cowboy's back to keep him down.

"Ow ow ow! Git off me ya' psycho!"

"Yeah! Get off him!" Little Rock announced her presence as she lifted her gun. The military man glanced up, rolling his eyes in exasperation before lifting his hands in a peaceful gesture though his knee stayed right where it was.

"Easy, kid. I'm not going to hurt him. He tried to shoot me."

"Did not! He's lyin'!"

Little Rock, Wichita, and Columbus all shared a look before lowering their weapons.

"Who are you?"

"Major William Lennox," he replied, eyebrow lifting. "You guys?"


End file.
